Title: A Monaboyd Bedtime Story for Twat, In Which Twat Herself Appears To Speed Our Heroes Onto Love and Parenthood
Fandom: Lotrips
Rating: PG
Characters: Billy/Dom
Disclaimer: This is a lie. It is also a joke. And contains male pregnancy. I apologize in advance.
AN: This is not a serious fic. I mean, it's even less serious than most of my fic. Basically, Flowery_twat demanded mpreg and wouldn't go to bed until I wrote it, so I did in the comments to her livejournal post. I post it in deep embarrassment and apology to everyone in the universe.
A Monaboyd Bedtime Story for Twat, In Which Twat Herself Appears To Speed Our Heroes Onto Love and Parenthood
by
Once upon a time there were two actors named Dominic and William, but they went by Dom and Billeh. Billeh was spelled with an 'eh' because he was Scottish and it was fun to say. Now, Dom and Billeh loved each other very, very much, and they played wee hobbits who also loved each other very much. But then one day, Dom got on a plane and the plane crashed!! Dom was on the island with a bunch of creepy people and all separated from Billeh, without whom, as we all know, he cannot live. In his sorrow over their separation, Dom makes friends with a pregnant lady named Claire.
He and Claire run around the island having fun, and Dom promises that he will take care of Claire! He wants to take care of her so much, and keep her from having to have the baby and be in pain, that he wishes and wishes and wishes that he could have the baby instead!
Then one day, Dom wakes up because something is kicking at him... from INSIDE his belleh! (Belleh is also spelled with an 'eh'. Do not interrupt the bedtime story with questions.)
Dom is now pregnant and Claire isn't! He has a wee baby inside him to dandle on his knee, and even though it's strange because Dom is a boy, he is so happy to have the baby that he doesn't even mind!
The only problem is, how is Dom going to get the baby out of him? Well, luckily there is a doctor on the island, and even though he is very weirded out by the whole situation, he agrees to help get the baby out.
Now we are going to gloss over the next part, because it is a little gross and bloody, but the next thing Dom knows, he has a baby! It's a boy, and he names it William, after Billeh who he loves and loves and misses forever.
Well, Dom is so happy! He cuddles the baby all up, and little baby Will is all chubby and happy and waves his little arms and coos up at his daddy. His little hands hold onto Dom's fingers, and Dom smiles so big that he gets crinkles around his eyes and his face turns all pink.
The only thing that Dom is sad about is that there is no Billeh to share the baby with! But then he remembers that he got the baby in the first place by wishing very, very hard. So he looks up at the moon and he wishes as hard as he can, so hard that he nearly strains a muscle, and then he goes to sleep with baby Will cuddled on his chest.
When Dom wakes up, he is on a beach, the same as when he went to sleep. He can feel the sand underneath his head, and the baby wiggling happily on his chest. He sighs, very disappointed that his wish didn't work.
But when he opens his eyes, he sees that the water isn't all blue and clear, like on the island. This water is gray and dim and murky, like... LIKE IN SCOTLAND.
Well, Dom can hardly believe it! He puts the baby against his shoulder and stands up, looking around him. Where are they? No one else from the island is there, just Dom and Will on an empty beach. But it certainly looks a lot like the beach by Billeh's house.
Dom is barefoot, but he walks up the sand dunes and finds a road, and then starts walking along it. The gravel on the side of the road hurts a little bit, and Will is starting to get fussy because he hasn't eaten anything in awhile and Dom didn't bring any coconut milk.
Pretty soon a big car stops beside them, and a young woman leans her head out.
"Do you need a ride?" she asks. She has a slight Canadian accent, and blond hair that is styled in a rather embarrassing mullet. Are we in Canada? Dom wonders.
"I'm just driving into Glasgow," the woman continues. "Is that your baby? Is he okay?"
"Yeah," Dom says. "He's just hungry. A ride would be lovely, thank you." He climbs into the car beside her.
"I like your mullet," Dom says as they drive into the city.
"Thanks," she says. "Is there anywhere in particular I can drop you off?"
"Well, I'm going to my friend Billeh's house, I guess," Dom says. And then he gives her directions the whole way there. I wish I could tell you where exactly they went, but I can't because that would ruin the whole mystique of the bedtime story.
"Is Billeh really your *friend*?" the woman asks wisely as she turns a corner.
Dom turns bright red. "Of course he's my friend."
"Nothing more?" she says knowingly.
"Um," Dom says, and he looks down at baby William. Billeh's namesake. The baby he wants them to raise together. "Well," Dom says.
"I understand," the woman says, and parks the car in front of Billeh's building. "You should probably tell him you love him, you know."
"I know," Dom says. "Thanks for the ride."
Dom knocks on Billeh's door and holds his breath. Will is really crying now, and Dom's feet hurt, and Billeh probably won't be home anyway, and why is he doing this?
But then the door opens, and there is Billeh! And he is not even wearing a shirt or anything! Dom takes a deep breath as Billeh's eyes go wide.
"Dommie?" he says. "I thought you were dead! Your plane crashed! And why do you have a baby?" Billeh's voice was all Scottish and lovely and it made Dom feel all mushy inside.
"Um," Dom starts. He can feel his face turning red again, and he doesn't know how exactly to explain his strange story of plane wreck, desert island stranded-ness, followed by mystical pregnancy implantation and then transporting himself to Glasgow by wishing really hard.
Billeh rolls his eyes at him. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Dom, give me the baby. He's crying up a wee storm!" Billeh competently takes Will out of Dom's arms and cradles him in a football hold. Will immediately stops crying and looks up at Billeh curiously. Billeh smiles down at him and starts to walk inside.
"Well, come in, then, Dom," he tosses back over his shoulder.
Dom follows Billeh into his flat and closes the door behind them.
"Don't you have a bottle for the wee little man, Dom?" Billeh asks. "Or some nappies?"
"No, we were sort of magically transported here from the desert island we were stranded on," Dom says, taking a stab at explanation. "It's a long story."
"Well, I think he's hungry," Billeh says. "Maybe we should go to the store and get him some formula and nappies. Until then he can wear one of my old t-shirts."
"Okay," Dom says, watching in fascination as Billeh takes an old shirt and folds it expertly into a nappy around Will's little legs.
"What's his name?" Billeh asks.
"Um. William," Dom says.
"That's a fine strong name," Billeh says, beaming.
I named him after you, Dom doesn't say.
But then Dom thinks, why didn't I say that? And he thinks about it the whole way to the store, where Billeh seems to know exactly what to buy.
He thinks about saying it while they stand in line, looking for all the world like a couple and their son. He thinks about saying it when they get back in the car and drive to Billeh's flat with Will in Dom's lap.
In the flat, Billeh settles Dom and Will on the couch, and then goes to heat up some formula, testing it on his wrist before bringing it over to Dom.
"Thanks," Dom says, and starts to feed the baby, who settles down and begins eating enthusiastically, his little cheeks moving in and out.
"Is he yours, Dommie?" Billeh asks. "Who's his mother, then?"
"Well, that's the thing," Dom says, adjusting Will in his arm. "I sort of am, actually." He pulls his shirt up a little bit so Billeh can see the scar on his belleh. "It was kind of a mystical weird island we were crashed on."
"Huh," Billeh says.
Billeh is looking at Dom's belleh with a bemused expression, blinking quickly.
"AndIkindofnamedhimafteryou," Dom says in a rush.
"What's that, Dommie?" Billeh asks.
"I named him after you," Dom says, and bends over the baby so he isn't looking at Billeh. "Because I love you, Billeh, just like the bemulleted Canadian said."
Billeh blinks even more. "Like who said?"
"The bemulleted Canadian!" Dom says. Billeh just blinks at him. "Never mind," Dom says.
"Okay," Billeh says. Billeh is a little confused, because even though he is Scottish and wildly attractive with his lilting accent and green eyes, he is not a mind reader. Also, he does not have the privilege of reading this bedtime story, and so he missed the part with the Canadian. Poor Billeh!
Then Billeh gets past the whole confusion thing and focuses on the relevent point, which is that Dom just told him he loved him!
"Wait, you're in love with me?" Billeh asks.
"Yeah," Dom says.
"Well, I'm in love with you too, why didn't you say anything sooner?" Billeh says.
"I was crashed on a desert island!" Dom says. "Well, it wasn't a desert island so much as a deserted one, because actually it was kind of jungle-y."
"That's nice, Dom," Billeh says. He is looking at Dom's lower lip.
Now you probably have to shut your eyes and go to sleep, because we are getting to the kissy parts, and I know that you are too little to like the kissy parts! So all there is left to say is that Dom and Billeh kissed a lot, and Billeh nibbled on Dom's lower lip a little bit, and then Dom kissed Billeh's neck, and then they put William in the bassinet that Billeh at bought at the store so that Billeh and Dom could go to bed and do some more kissing. And then they fell asleep and when they woke up they kissed a lot more, and then they fed the baby and changed his nappies, and then they kissed even more. And there was lots and lots of kissing, and all three of them lived happily ever after for the rest of time.
THE END!